What the Fuck Now? These were the four words that consumed my thoughts after my 2 year relationship with Piter ended. The man I broke my 4 year first relationship for. If you did the math while reading that instead of judging me and thinking I deserve the relationship ending as I broke one for it to start, you would notice that I have not been single in 6 years. I am Newly Single, Two Months to be precise and honestly I don’t know HOW to do this.
Robert, who is currently my BESTFRIEND, and I went into a relationship when I was only 15 years old. He is literally my breathing scrapbook, my shadow, the person I shared some of the most important memories off my life with. The one who experienced all my First’s and still does. All the good times, and most importantly the worse times, always sacrificing in order to help me.
I matriculated, and that December we moved into our First apartment. We were so proud. My life took a turn for the worse and the way of how I thought my life should be just vanished right beneath me, along with my mental state. I wanted to move back home in order to support my Mom. I refused to not be with her, so paying rent on the apartment was not logical. It was so painful, I remembered that I barely packed a thing, and when the final boxes were collected and the keys handed over, i simply refused to go with.
The Questioning, Rebelling, and Anti-Depressants.
I started questioning every aspect of my life, every belief, every relationship. I literally cried everyday for 6 months. Here I was, the optimistic, determined 18 year old who had it all figured out by the time she was 16. Who confidently decided to study on her own, get a job, and pay the rent. Oh boy, here I was, disoriented with no fucking clue of how 18 years of my life was such a lie, a mess, and the reality ahead so far from what I could ever imagine. The game changed, I changed, my beliefs changed, unfortunately so did the people.
I was Anti – anti-depressant. After 3 psychologists, constant crying, and experts assuring me that the meds are like a smartie, and they would just help me “cope”.
Yes, the crying stopped, so did every other emotion in my body. I felt absolutely nothing. Things that would and should make me cry, barely even got a frown. The fear of death didn’t even phase me, so why would the things I say phase me? Looking back, I was a cold, lifeless bitch who could not care less if my words or actions hurt anyone, unfortunately Robert included.
Once you squeeze the liplgloss out of the tube, it’s impossible to get it back in.
Our relationship started to deteriorate by my words, actions, and lack of anything towards our relationship. I wanted to leave him, I was however to cowardly to do so and instead acted in ways and said things which forced him to eventually leave me.
I hope to still forgive myself for hurting such an incredible man, and to this day I still believe that the woman who will be so lucky to spend her life with Robert will be THE luckiest girl. He is the most amazing man and I am not deserving of such.
Enter Piter or should I say Piotr
Piter, the Polish, much older, and very much different man who made me feel excited for the first time in a long time. After Robert was Gatvol and left, myself and Piter were already talking for 2 weeks, and eventually we met up again for the first time since we met.
I was always intrigued by the strange and the different, the things that are not the norm. Die Antwoord over Fokofpoliesiekar. Boxing over Netball, Bellydancing instead of Hip-Hop. Kenny Rodgers and Nirvanna over Rihanna and Flo Rida. You get it.
I was swooned and beyond myself, sacrificing everything I possibly could for Piter, even my punctual English that I matriculated with a Distinction.
Piter could only speak a maximum of 50 English words, and just like any other relationship communication was required. I had to teach someone English with limited understanding and Google Translate. People were still shocked at how well he got after the first time of meeting him to 5 months later. Now it is at the point where he can actually have conversations, get around in the shops, and reading to writing English better than his friend who has been living here for 20 years. Success does not come without sacrifice and in order to communicate the necessary a language mixed with English, Polish and Really Bad Grammar developed. I was ashamed, and self-conscious when I spoke English. It was really bad, and no matter how hard I tried, if I did not concentrate when I spoke to clients, managers, friends and all around everyday people, I would mess up.
I was the Grammar Nazi, I was the one who corrected people at work and at home, now they correct me. No matter how much I read, how many movies I watched and How many attempts and empty threats I made to Piter, stating that whenever we talk incorrectly I will pause the conversation to correct us and then continue, the attempts were useless.
Regardless, we faced a lot of challenges and we always managed to get through anything. We were strong, with big plans for the future, goals and dreams, however the South African VISA Laws were stronger.
So here I am…
For the first time in six years, alone. Something I have no fucking off. The first day after Piter left I was devastated, and like before I could not face the reality off something that was. I needed to move out from the walls that so dearly held our giggles, silliness, tears and hardships. I needed to move NOW. My final week in the apartment was hell, only going into our room twice. My mom came down, helped me pack and to move into an apartment double the rent of what I usually paid. Twice as Expensive, Twice as Big, and Twice as empty.
Point of the Post?
Well being a Newly Single for the first time in six years and the BatShit crazy shit that has already happened in my first TWO months of being single. The lessons learned and the way I coped and didn’t cope, along with self-discovery and spiritual awakening.
I am such an newbie in the world of singles. Never dating nor living alone. I want to share my journey with you hoping that you might learn or relate and better yet HELP me by sharing your experiences. Get ready for the posts that contain my first 2 month’s experience’s and expect titles like:
- The First Week of Solitude: The valuable Lesson I learned
- My Two Months of Hell (The Breakup was only the start)
- Things I want my Rebound to Know
- My Rebound Dumped Me.
- Importance of Going Out Alone
- Lies I told to the Guy’s who Tried to hookup
- WTF did I just hear? The shocking things guys say.
- Solo Partying: Safety Precautions I swear by.
Are there any Posts in Particular you guys want to read first? Word of advise or survival tip on how to curve the loneliness? Please do share your secrets, wisdom, and stories. I feel so lost and really I don’t have the slightest idea on how to make the most of this.